The Invention Of Lying (2009)

★ ★ ★

This is certainly ambitious stuff: a high-concept art-film premise dressed up as cringe comedy, which flirts with potentially ingenius religious satire, before grinding to a halt as a tepid rom-com. There are traces of what might have been two great movies here, but the ball is fumbled early on. The basic concept cannot plausibly stretch to accomodate the jokes, and Gervais pushes his acting talents and charisma a little past their limits. "Andy Millman Becomes Pope In The Land Of Inconsiderate Twats" would have been a more accurate title.

Iron Man (2008)

 ★ ★ ★ ★

Pretty much as good as an origin-story based Iron Man movie could be. The tone captures Marvel's hyper-reality better than most superhero movies of the last 15 years, and the action remains clear and uncluttered, side-stepping the blurry jump-cuts of most modern action-cinema. Great cast, great effects, nicely paced, funny... I suspect Favreau could have knocked the Transformers franchise into good shape.

Universal Soldier (1992)

★ ★ ★

Dumb but adequately made amalgam of 'Robocop', 'Aliens' and 'The Terminator'. The dialogue is goofy, the plot-holes are gratuitous, and the potentially interesting central premise is wasted in favour of standard 90's action fare.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

★ 

Wilfully inept. 'MSVGO' sets its ambitions low and misses... This is sub-amateur trash. Special effect shots are used and re-used 'Superman III'-style. Scientists look into microscopes, and stroke their chins and pour fluorescent liquids from one test tube to another. A tooth the size of a baguette sticking out of a dead whale's side eludes detection in an autopsy. But there is little point listing shortcomings here. This film is bollocks. Its not so bad that its good. Its just bollocks. You've already seen all the goodies in the trailer. Was it written by 12 year olds? Why does the Navy commander have a ponytail and sideburns and wear a black suit jacket. He looks like fucking Dave Gahan. Were it not for Debbie Gibson's milfing-around I don't think I could have lasted the full run-time. Don't watch it. Just look at the box-art: it is infinitely more satisfying.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

★ ★ 

After half an hour of excruciating exposition, we finally arrive at some dino-action... and my goodness its boring. Action-wise 'The Lost World' is a humourless retread of the original, with cheaper looking CGI and animatronics. Plot-wise its a carelessly assembled jumble of cliches and charicatures. Pressured into writing a sequel-novel in the hopes of repeating 'Jurassic Park's success, Crichton relies on half-hearted 'King Kong'-isms, but never manages to throw any new ideas into the mix. Goldblum looks embarassed to be here,  desperately trying to wring some humour out of an uncharismatic script. By the time the T-Rex is stomping through San Diego, its too late: 100 minutes in is too late for a film to get interesting. This is pure money-centric cinema, which has more in common artistically with Jaws 3D than with Jaws. Spielberg's worst film.

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time (1991)

★

Marc Singer returns as Dar, but should not have bothered. Wings Hauser hams it up entertainingly as the bad guy, but a predictable time-travellling fish-out-of-water plot gets boring early on. The first film worked hard to be taken seriously, and managed to hold its own among the glut of 1980's sword and sorcery B-movies. The sequel is just cheap and uninspired video-rental fodder, spectacularly failing to emulate the "success" of 'Masters Of The Universe'.

Up (2009)

★ ★ ★ ★

Heart-wrenching and hilarious. I cried three times.

Transformers (2007)

★ ★ ★ 

Gorgeous rubbish. There are too many (human) characters and an overly fetishised military presence. Megan Fox and The Beef make an attractive duo, but steal too much run-time from the giant robots. Sadly this is probably Michael Bay's artistic zenith.

Barton Fink (1991)

★ ★ ★ ★

Crawling with indeterminate symbolism and Lynchian horror, 'Barton Fink' flits between halucinatory art-film and 'Bullets Over Broadway' style period brain-comedy. What it all means remains a mystery to all, including the creators, but the ride is oddly satisfying despite the many questions it leaves unanswered. The cast are wonderful, but Steve Buscemi seems under-used.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009)

★ ★ 

Loud, annoying and dumb.

Avatar (2010)

★ ★ ★ ★

'Avatar' looks stunning in 3D on a large screen, but story-wise it relies on a well trodden plot and broadly drawn charicatures. Yes, it strongly resembles both 'Dances With Wolves' and 'FernGully', but James Cameron never patronises his audience by overly sign-posting its stock plot devices, and the films clunky exposition is rattled out in the first 20 minutes, allowing us to kick back and drift into its enchanting world. Some have called it preachy - I think that depends whether you sympathise with the film's anti-corporate, anti-military stance or not. Certainly, the Na'vi are obviously Native Americans painted blue, and the hunt for Unobtainium is arguably a metaphor for Western military interests in the Midlle East. These themes are handled with the subtlety of a T-800, but it is at least welcome to see a mainstream film with the guts to express a "controversial" opinion. When special-effects of this quality are common-place, 'Avatar' may no longer seem so impressive, but right now, it lives up to its "game-changing" hype. The 'Star Wars' of its geneartion.

Escape From New York (1981)

★ ★

John Carpenter mounts an exciting premise, and then runs out of ideas. Perhaps given a higher budget, 'Escape From New York' might be able to overcome its non-plot with visual dazzle. As it is, the film lifelessly flops around impersonating 'Blade Runner', 'The Warriors' and 'Mad Max', sadly never managing to be as interesting as the first 15 minutes suggest that it could have been.

This Is Spın̈al Tap (1984)

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Shit sandwich.

The Incredibles (2004)

★ ★ ★

Disney does 'Watchmen'. Equal parts inventive and predictable, 'The Incredibles' lacks the emotional punch of 'Toy Story 2' or 'Up', yet remains entertaining throughout.

Predator 2 (1990)

★ ★

After an hour of dull and unecessary 'Robocop'-esque near-future cops vs. drug gangs non-action (censor-appeasing cuts have excised all the gore), the film finally hits on a reasonably entertaining urban equivalent of the original's mano-a-mano guerilla death-match.

The script, acting and direction are limp. 'Aliens' is plagiarised, and the Predator develops a potty-mouth. Scwarzenegger was wise to choose 'Terminator 2' over this crap.