Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

★ 

Wilfully inept. 'MSVGO' sets its ambitions low and misses... This is sub-amateur trash. Special effect shots are used and re-used 'Superman III'-style. Scientists look into microscopes, and stroke their chins and pour fluorescent liquids from one test tube to another. A tooth the size of a baguette sticking out of a dead whale's side eludes detection in an autopsy. But there is little point listing shortcomings here. This film is bollocks. Its not so bad that its good. Its just bollocks. You've already seen all the goodies in the trailer. Was it written by 12 year olds? Why does the Navy commander have a ponytail and sideburns and wear a black suit jacket. He looks like fucking Dave Gahan. Were it not for Debbie Gibson's milfing-around I don't think I could have lasted the full run-time. Don't watch it. Just look at the box-art: it is infinitely more satisfying.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

★ ★ 

After half an hour of excruciating exposition, we finally arrive at some dino-action... and my goodness its boring. Action-wise 'The Lost World' is a humourless retread of the original, with cheaper looking CGI and animatronics. Plot-wise its a carelessly assembled jumble of cliches and charicatures. Pressured into writing a sequel-novel in the hopes of repeating 'Jurassic Park's success, Crichton relies on half-hearted 'King Kong'-isms, but never manages to throw any new ideas into the mix. Goldblum looks embarassed to be here,  desperately trying to wring some humour out of an uncharismatic script. By the time the T-Rex is stomping through San Diego, its too late: 100 minutes in is too late for a film to get interesting. This is pure money-centric cinema, which has more in common artistically with Jaws 3D than with Jaws. Spielberg's worst film.

Predator 2 (1990)

★ ★

After an hour of dull and unecessary 'Robocop'-esque near-future cops vs. drug gangs non-action (censor-appeasing cuts have excised all the gore), the film finally hits on a reasonably entertaining urban equivalent of the original's mano-a-mano guerilla death-match.

The script, acting and direction are limp. 'Aliens' is plagiarised, and the Predator develops a potty-mouth. Scwarzenegger was wise to choose 'Terminator 2' over this crap.