Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

★ 

Wilfully inept. 'MSVGO' sets its ambitions low and misses... This is sub-amateur trash. Special effect shots are used and re-used 'Superman III'-style. Scientists look into microscopes, and stroke their chins and pour fluorescent liquids from one test tube to another. A tooth the size of a baguette sticking out of a dead whale's side eludes detection in an autopsy. But there is little point listing shortcomings here. This film is bollocks. Its not so bad that its good. Its just bollocks. You've already seen all the goodies in the trailer. Was it written by 12 year olds? Why does the Navy commander have a ponytail and sideburns and wear a black suit jacket. He looks like fucking Dave Gahan. Were it not for Debbie Gibson's milfing-around I don't think I could have lasted the full run-time. Don't watch it. Just look at the box-art: it is infinitely more satisfying.

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time (1991)

★

Marc Singer returns as Dar, but should not have bothered. Wings Hauser hams it up entertainingly as the bad guy, but a predictable time-travellling fish-out-of-water plot gets boring early on. The first film worked hard to be taken seriously, and managed to hold its own among the glut of 1980's sword and sorcery B-movies. The sequel is just cheap and uninspired video-rental fodder, spectacularly failing to emulate the "success" of 'Masters Of The Universe'.